Bloomberg guarantees every household in America $1,000 a month… to put his campaign signs on their lawns (Satire)

Rachel Winter, of Manchester, NH, pays off her student loans with her Bloomberg bucks. Photo by Alexander Mils on Unsplash

(March 4, 2020 — Manchester, NH)

Earlier this week, Mike Bloomberg’s presidential campaign announced it’s latest strategy to win the nomination. Each family can earn $1,000 a month by putting a Mike 2020 campaign sign on their front lawn.

New Hampshire state campaign director, Ryan Mahoney, was quick to dismiss the newest campaign strategy as universal basic income inspired by Andrew Yang’s campaign. “This is not universal basic income. This is universal short term rental income. Each lawn in America can now be an Airbnb for our campaign. What’s more American than that?”

Even though Bernie Sanders won the 2020 New Hampshire Primary, lawn signs for Michael Bloomberg are popping up all over Manchester and across the Granite State since the February 11th Primary.

Beth Bergeron, a 43 year old teacher near Manchester’s North End, voted for Senator Sanders. Now her front yard sports a Mike 2020 sign next to her Bernie 2020 sign. “Bernie has the best healthcare plan, but I need help with my bills now.” says Bergeron. “If my ancestors hadn’t moved here from Quebec one hundred years ago, I’d have debt-free healthcare AND I’d be bilingual.”

Rachel Winter is a 25 year old barista in Manchester’s Gaslight District. Her Mike 2020 sign is shoved sideways into a flower box of her second story apartment window. “I figured if Mayor Bloomberg runs for president for the next 30 years, I will be able to pay off my student loans.”

Alan Weisskopf, age 72, of Bedford signed up for his yard sign and the $1,000 rental income that comes with it as soon as he heard the announcement. “I managed to retire comfortably from my job at Raytheon.” says Weisskopf. “But I have adult children with no safety net and my granddaughter needs braces. You know what, I have a big yard. I can take twenty signs.” When asked which of the Democratic candidates he supported in the primary. He laughed and said “I never vote for Democrats.”

The entire UNH football team wanted to put the Bloomberg signs on their team football field, but they can’t because it’s astroturf.

acu-punk, activist, late blooming writer

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